A Hole in My Life

Not too long ago I read a book titled "A God Shaped Hole". It was about a young woman who fell in love only to have her boyfriend die in a drowning accident. It wasn't really that simple, but for my purposes that was the plot.

Later at our annual conference one of the speakers talking about working with dying children described death as leaving a hole in your life. You could learn to live with it, but it would never go away.

Just a couple of weeks ago I learned that the man I had dated near the end of my senior year in high school and off and on for the next six years had died in 1985. I have spent a lot of my time since learning this dealing with the knowledge and have come to the conclusion that I now have a hole in my life.

I wasn't surprised to learn that he was no long living, but I was surprised to know that he had been dead so long - 20 years. I don't know how he died, and I probably will never know. But I do know that for me it is like he died 2 weeks ago. I guess in a sense he died for me when I became aware of his death.

It is hard to know how to deal with this kind of grief. Am I entitled to mourn someone whom I had not seen for 35 years and who has been dead for 20? I think I am, but I have also felt the need to keep my sorrow quiet. I am not sure how others would view it.

Although I do not regret the fact that we did not end up together, I acknowledge that he was a special person who has always occupied a unique place in my memories, and I don't think that will change. It does not alter the love I have for my husband and children; in fact, my husband took me to the cemetery to visit his grave. How can you alter the love you have for someone who would do that?

After not writing in my blog for over half a year I feel I should be more articulate, but this is my effort to examine and deal with this strange sorrow I feel. I must say to Henry the words that only he would truly understand - "So long, sucker."